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calm

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Everyone here is good and kind and understanding, and even though we don't talk much, I feel more comfortable than I ever did at home. Sometimes I miss Gwen and Arianwen, but really, I don't miss school. It would be perfect if I didn't worry so about Warren, whom I know is in trouble but not what kind. And the old man. He's unwell, and it's nothing I can help. Life is like water, and no matter how much water you put in a bowl, if the bowl is broken it won't stay in. He could live a little longer if he didn't try so hard to see, to do; but if he didn't, he wouldn't really be living.

Mindred tells me stories. I'm not sure what I am meant to learn from them, but I feel I am learning something. Everyone here is so upset. I am upset too; when we are together I am upset, and yet when I am alone in the forest I am not. I feel sure that Estrid will be all right, though neither of us knows why, and I have come to love the old man, but he is dying anyway. I miss Claire as well; but now, I think she is at peace.

I wish I could help, but I really have no idea how to. I feel...happy. As though I am about to get a present I've been waiting for, for ages. As though it were Christmas. But it isn't Christmas. It's the Devil's Night come early, and there are reapers on the hunt. I've heard it said that people can go to a good death joyfully, but this is war.

I'm confused, so confused. But even that doesn't upset me. There are ravens everywhere, and of course they gather on battlefields, but it feels like they're having a party, and everyone's welcome. Especially the one who isn't; there's a special dish we're preparing for him.

They say the king is hiding from us. But I wonder if he hasn't merely gone to find his festival clothes.

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angry

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Claire's missing. She's not in my year, but I heard Jenny Wyngarde and Dinah Zeller saying that she didn't go to any of her lessons today (they always talk about Claire, and it's usually really mean, so I ignore it, but not this time) and I asked them about it and Jenny said we lost 60 points because of her cutting class, and that they haven't seen her since last night.

They think she's just asleep in one of the dungeons somewhere after having too much sex and too much hashish. Everybody thinks Claire sleeps with a lot of people, because she has trouble remembering when it's all right to be naked, but I don't actually think that she does. She told me she's only ever loved one person, and I have a good idea who it was.

I never liked him. He always wanted to do things, but he thought they were bad. I don't do things with people who think that the things we do make us bad, unless I'm so drunk that I don't care. (Speaking of people like that, Gwen finally dumped that loser Pollard.)

I wish I could get people to take it seriously that she's gone. If she were one of us I could ask Estrid to help me find her, but she isn't. She's just...lost. She's always been lost. Hornby and Ducas and Saint-Germain are just as bad as I am, and worse than Claire, but everybody thinks they're wonderful and they don't get talked about the way I do, or the way that Claire does. I don't understand why that is. If one of them were missing, people would care more.

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relieved

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Well, we're back at school, and just in time for lunch. I'm so glad. I'm glad to be away from Leander, glad to be away from that scary girl with all the iron, and glad to be back among friends. All my things are here and even though we're down in the deep dour dark dungeons, it's starting to look lived-in at last!

I need to go and find Estrid and Gwen, I know they were worried. Estrid was thinking about me. I could tell.

The man in the big hat is staying here. He looks too old to go to school, but I think he's younger than he looks because he doesn't catch on to things. He's very nice though and an excellent tracker. If the bandersnatch existed, which I now know it doesn't (Nat showed me the book) I'm sure he could find it.

Unfortunately, the scary girl is staying here too. I hope they don't put her in Ravenclaw. But I don't think she's smart enough.

The man in the big hat liked her better than me. So does Nat. It's not fair. I'm nicer.

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bored

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I'm so bored. Everyone at home is angry because I got arrested again but this time I didn't do anything at all. Leander told them that I knew about the bandersnatch so I had to answer a lot of stupid questions.

Warren is such an idiot. I want to go to school.

That girl who was here is scary, she thinks iron is a shield against evil and that only evil things are afraid of it. I'm glad she went away with the cute little man who had spectacles. I wonder if he is her lover. But maybe Nat is her lover.

I don't even know if the bandersnatch is real or just a story Leander believes is real. But I know about how stories can help if things aren't nice at home, so I let him think I believe it.

I keep thinking about Estrid. I miss Gwen and Estrid. I hope that stupid Warren took my trunk to school and that my parents didn't throw it out because I got arrested! I'm not a collaborator.

Montague is rather mean, I think, but he calms down a lot if you play with him. Most boys do. Boys are so strange.

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amused

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I am so tired of hearing that I ought to be ashamed of myself for what I've done. Do they really think I care what any of their friends think? It wasn't as nice as I thought it would be, but given the circumstances, I probably couldn't have expected it to be better. It was better than last time. We'll see what happens next.

One thing's for certain: the Hogsmeade merchants are going to be very unhappy. Hardly anyone will be allowed to go, and nobody's going to have money.

If I close my eyes, the sound of her shouting is almost musical.

I wish I could talk to Gwen, instead. Sometimes I think she almost understands me.